Greetings and Salutations,
I have to get more consistent on these newsletters…I’m
working on it. But since there has been
a particular memorable event this past week, I knew I HAD to do one this
week. Let’s get into it and I will
explain.
On Saturday, October 19th, my grandmother, Lela
Mae Butler passed away. As I did in 2005
when my maternal grandmother, Lee Donnie Wright passed I wanted to write a
newsletter in dedication to her life and get out emotions that I am feeling at
this time. So honestly there’s not a lot
of what’s going on with me other than that.
*SHRUG* So…uh…hmm…what’s
up with y’all? Okay…well that’s good to hear.
Oh *SLAPS HEAD* I can at least do the Shout Out before I get to
the meat and potatoes. Let’s do that.
Shout Out goes to
Aaja Butler…my sister. She has been
incredible during this time. Making sure everyone
is okay as well as talking
about emotions and feelings to foster communication throughout the family. There isn't words I can write like what I
texted her the other day that truly tells how I feel so I will just give an excerpt
of that text conversation.
Aaja: It’s
okay brother. I love you.
Jarratt: I
love you more. Oh and FYI, I absolutely
idolize you. You are one of my
heroes. Believe that.
Aaja: Lol
how? I ain’t shit
Jarratt: That’s
where you’re wrong. You are
incredible. You have so much spirit,
courage, and passion. You are smart and
just a grinder. You are something
special and I’m lucky to be your brother.
Enough said.
The song that inspired the title...
Now on to my
thoughts…
I confess…I did it. I
feel like this is something I should have confessed to a long time ago and
mentioned it to my grandmother while she was still here but I could never admit
it publicly until now. *SIGH* I guess I’m getting ahead of myself. Allow me to explain.
It all started in June of 2005. My maternal grandmother died. It was my first major loss and I did not handle
it well at all. I was supposed to be the
support for my mom who lost her mother but she had to end up supporting
me. I was distraught because of the combination
of losing my grandmother (who lived with us since I was 5 years old until graduated
college) and my real crippling fear of death.
The very thought of knowing that I will stop breathing air and no longer
being on this earth literally kept (and keeps) me up at night. After she died, I wanted to prolong ever
feeling that way again.
A relatively short time later my paternal grandmother had a
stroke (which she never fully recovered
from) and I realized that it was just a matter of time before this unbelievable
grief would occur again. So instead of
cherishing every moment, making visits and calls regularly, and soaking in her
wisdom, quirks, stories; I made myself scarce.
I robbed my grandmother of our time together. I pilfered days, weeks, months, and years from
her. I stole her opportunity to get to
know me as a son a grandson, a brother, and most importantly of all…a
father. I poached the prospect of her being proud of
me as a man…much like how I feel about my maternal grandmother not getting the
opportunity to know how I turned out as a man.
I’m tearfully disgusted at myself.
What make matters worse is that this paralyzing fear of death still
exist and guilt from my transgressions only compound the pain. I’m sorry Lela Mae...I let you down I’m sorry Baptiste...I let you down. (her husband who is still
here but I have equally wronged) I’m sorry Jonathan Carroll, Niqueta Williams, and
all of the other loved ones I lost. I let you all down.
Usually this is the time of the newsletter that I say
something uplifting or make a vow to ensure this doesn't happen again but
honestly I don’t know if I can. This is
guilt and pain I will carry with me forever.
Shawn Carter said it best…”in order to survive, you gotta learn to live
with regrets.”…so that is exactly what I will do. I just hope that the good Lord above allows
each of them to hear my apology and know what is in my heart.
Those are just my thoughts…ladies and gentlemen…just what I
was feeling at the time.
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